Love is Patient

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/05/fashion/weddings/05VOWS.html?ref=weddings

Opening: Taking Applicants - Ltd Time Only

I find the dating process rather complicated. First it's meeting potential candidates. That in itself is a challenge. I've tried practically everything that announces to the world that I am single and looking, short of renting a billboard space in Time Square (maybe that would work?). I've loittered in typical male haunts - the sports bar, the pubs, and hardware stores and still, came up short. I've been to bars and clubs but ew. They are either too young or just ... ew. It's not like I haven't tried dating the men who frequent these places. I have. They just aren't my type. I've tried online dating with mixed success. I've thrown myself at the mercy of friends and relatives to set me up - again with mixed success. It's a bit like investigative work when the police are looking for a Person of Interest (POI). You have a list of characteristics and qualities that POI meets before you meet and "interview" them.

Because of my impatient nature, sometimes (often), I wish I could speed up the first few dates where the same questions get asked over and over again. These particular questions get asked because they are those identifying questions which establish the identity of the person that you're dating: he's a vegetarian, he's an accountant, he plays road hockey, he has 3 sisters, etc.
I (erroneously) thought that internet dating would speed up this process (somewhat). It didn't. It's just as slow and cumbersome of a process. Just in a different medium. Instead of asking the questions face to face, you do so in a number of email exchanges.

Sometimes, I wish the dating process could be short circuited, not unlike a job application process: list the qualifications sought and then weed out the candidates who do not meet them. I don't want to waste my time on candidates who don't even meet the bare minimum requirements.

So when I ran across this, I was amused. The questions are not unlike some I would ask in the first few dates (except for question 21). While I know that it's meant to be facetious, there's part of me who wishes I could ask all potential boyfriends to fill this out so that I can preselect those I'm trying interested in pursuing something further and not waste my time with those who don't meet my set of non-negotiable qualities. If there was one guy who did fill out, as a lark of course, I would commend his sense of humour, a quality that I was looking for anyway.



THE OFFICIAL BOYFRIEND APPLICATION
Just a reminder: be completely honest with all your answers, I will be double checking applications using Google to ensure honesty. Any false information will automatically nullify any chance you might have had. Thanks, and have fun.

This application must be filled out in its entirety in order to be considered for the position that you are applying. Photographs may sway my opinion one way or the other, feel free to attach any that you think may help you gain this position.

BASIC INFORMATION

1. Full legal name (Last First Middle)

2. Age

3. Height

4. Weight

5. Eye color

6. Measurements

7. Natural hair color

8. Current hair color

CONTACT INFORMATION
( ) -
( ) -
9. Home phone

10. Cell Phone

11. Email

GETTING TO KNOW YOU
12. Are you a virgin? Y N

13. If no, how many past sexual partners have you had?

14. Have you ever had a sex change? Y N

15. Do you smoke? Y N

16. Do you use any illegal substances? Y N

17. Do you have kids? Y N

18. If yes, how many?

19. Do you workout? Y N

20. Do you currently have a source of income? Y N

21. If yes, what is your net income worth?

22. Do you live on your own? Y N

23. If no, whom do you currently reside with?

24. What kind of car do you drive?

25. Furthest level of edumacation (circle one): High School Some College Associate’s Degree Bachelor’s Degree

26. Do you have a history of mental illness? Y N

27. Favorite sport & team

28. Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend? Y N

29. Do you cook? Y N

30. Do you have any siblings? Y N

31. What is your religion?

32. What is your political persuasion

33. How many piercings (not including ears) do you have?

34. How many tattoos do you have?

35. What is your current favorite movie of all time?

36. List your three favorite genres of music in order of most favorite to least favorite:

REASONS I SHOULD PICK YOU
37. What is your idea of a perfect date in three sentences or less?

38. Explain why I should pick you as my boyfriend in one sentence:

39. List any special skills that you may have that are relevant to this position:

40. What do you want out of a relationship, specifically one with me?

RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND
List the details of your past three relationships starting with the most recent.
Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Am I prettier? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:

Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Am I prettier? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:

Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Am I prettier? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:

REFERENCES
Please supply three references (preferably hot male friends) and their phone numbers or email addresses.

CERTIFICATION
I hereby certify that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization to verify it using any means you deem appropiate. I understand that by filling out this form and submitting it for review does not guarantee that I will be chosen.

Date

Applicant Signature

Do not write below this line, this area will be used to take notes when conducting interviews.

Copyright © 2005 Brody Vercher.

Rejection: Let Me Down Easy

What is the best way to let someone down easy?

Chris Isaac sang this sad ballad asking a girl he liked, to let him down easy if she didn't feel the same way about him. Magazines have written countless articles on the best way to dump someone, so that you don't make it personal, you do it quickly and as pain-free as possible for both parties involved. Men and women alike have probably spent numerous hours strategising on the best way to do it. Sometimes you try to manipulate the other person into breaking up with you in order to assuage any feeling you have. It
It's never easy to tell someone that you're not interested in them or no longer interested in them. It takes courage to say those words face to face. The art of kindly letting down someone has been mangled and reduced by many into the cruder form of "dumping". The latter is done via terse text, a long-winded voicemail, an elegiac letter, a fleeing note (who can forget Carrie's post-it note?) and nowadays, without pre-emptive notice, on Facebook.
All I can say, is that Carrie was lucky to get that post-it note. My last lover couldn't be bothered even with a cursory and succinct note letting me know that he was departing the relationship. Instead, he stealthily made his way to the exit and left me standing. I felt like part of one half of a duet going on stage for a huge performance, only to find out once on stage that you're actually a solo. For a long time, I could not conciliate the reprehensible nature of that behaviour with the man I thought he was. I did briefly wonder whether he had coincidentally been some kind of accident and perhaps died, if not was lying in some hospital bed in some full body traction with all limbs immobilised and suffering from complete amnesia which had erased me from your memory. No. Sadly while that scenario would have saved my ego, it was not the case. Rather, the boorish man has decided that he could not handle any kind of confrontation and rather than deal head on with the messiness of letting someone down. He had no consideration for my feelings: he preferred his own convenience. So after leaving embarrassing emails and voicemails, I was left alone with a lot of unanswered questions. Of course I still don't know to this day what prompted the exit. I'm still curious, as to why. A bit less though. As I care less and less about him, I also think less about why prompted that unexpected move. What I know for sure is that I don't want to be with a man who thinks that it's okay to treat me (or anyone else) in such a manner. I find it extremely disrespectful and it can hardly be qualified as anything good manners.

There's the flip side to this: It's accepting the rejection with grace. It's not easy, as it's probably one of the most humiliating experiences. You've opened yourself and put yourself deliberately in this incredibly vulnerable position by allowing someone determine an important outcome of your life. It's sometimes hard to comprehend, or to accept why someone doesn't want to be with you. You're wonderful, and would make a great signficant other. Even when the other person tells you that it's not personal, it's dificult not to emote on a personal level. There are times when a little persistence can pay off because the initial "no" was not really a real "no". But most often times it is, and any form of insistence borderlines on desperation, and of course, that never looks good. This is the one occasion where I think the necessity to pull a disappearing act is a perfectly valid form of exit. But I only employ it as a last resort measure only when I've tried every other line in the book including expressly stating: I am not interested in dating you. There is no reason to be unnecessarily cruel. Even if the feeling is not mutual, there's still something flattering that some other being thinks that you're phenomenal and wants to get to know you better, spent lots of time with you and possibly the rest of their lives. When a guy takes the risks and opens himself to me and I don't feel the same way, I try my very best to let them down easy. I try to use those canned lines of "I'm not ready to date"; "it's not you, it's me", "I really value our friendship", "I just don't see you that way". Usually that subtle hint works. Subtlety rarely fails because it's a long- understood and implied between boys and girls, that it's the "nice" and civilised way of telling someone that the attraction isn't mutual. Sometimes these strategies only work too well because, I always hope that a platonic friendship remains a possible option. But most guys, feeling deeply rejected, view that as a poor consolation prize. Some have accepted the friendship and we're able to enjoin one's company even to this date. Others are stubborn in their delusion and keep insisting that there can be something more. I've had to drop them out of my life and let them stew hopelessly in this unrequited hope by themselves. Some of the latter were rather frightening. One particular boy whose threatening messages made me fear for my own safety, made me wonder if I should contact the authorities, hire a bodyguard, move cities, get a new identity or all of these options. I was fortunate that he didn't turn out to be a scary stalkerish type. Relief.


So in the end, I don't think there's a perfect way or even one method to let someone down, but hopefully, if done with a bit of honesty (no need to say that you have life threatening illness when you do; or to claim that you're relocating to Belize when you're not), a bit of grace and a bit of humour, you'll won't be losing a potential bf: you'll be gaining a friend for life.

Across space and time: long distance relationships

In the span of a lifetime, we meet various people. Some more fleetingly than others. It's not necessarily the length of time we meet them that determines their influence or impression on you. No. Some you meet only be for that brief moment (a glance, a kind gesture in passing) but they've left an indelible mark on us. However, once that moment is done, the connection between you and that person, is over. Can geography and time really separate people? Does that mean that long distance relationships and relationships where one partner travels frequently, are doomed from the outset?
I've experienced several long distance relationship and at their demise, I always wonder what went wrong. I never really considered geography to be an issue. Not a serious one. Wasn't there emails, chats, instant messaging, texting, VoIP and all these other wonderful means of communications? Plus, wasn't travel more accessible and more affordable? If I didn't want to drive, I could take the train or fly, or if feeling really indulgent, hire a driver. Besides, didn't John Donne write several centuries ago something to the effect that absence makes the heart grow fonder? (see A Valediction Forbidding Mourning) I recall each visit to my lover, how excited I felt. Because time was so little and thus so precious, we rarely fought. Time was spent drinking each other in and enjoying one's company and compressing all those activities lovers usually do in the span of a week into a weekend. Came Sunday evening, I already missed him. I wanted time to rewind back a bit so that we had a little more time to spend together. However, I didn't miss him terribly Monday thru Friday. My own little bubble of world amused me enough and our daily communication sufficiently satisfied me.
Not in the last relationship. Between me and him there was over 400 miles. There might as well as been an ocean -oh wait, I've tried those long distance relationship as well. In any event, J and I had an established ritual. Even if we were in the same time zone (being in different one complicates matters as I've learned from experience), I woke up each morning to a wonderfully written email. I would reply back during the day. And we'd exchange maybe a few emails throughout the day. There would be the occasional phone call. If this was the honeymoon phase of the relationship, I was definitely falling and falling hard for J. I went and visited him as well. Each visit was sublime. It didn't matter what we were doing, I was enjoying his company so much. At the end of each visit, I felt a twinge in my heart, a deeper yearning. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay. I wanted to be with him and do those things that couples do on a weekday, like a a spontaneous dinner, a weekday evening visit to a museum exhibit, furniture shopping, going for a run in the morning, ... but in the end, the yearning didn't suffice. Then the relationship floundered and came to an end.
I don't know the wise man who said that time heals all wounds. How much time? Some people claim that the formula is half the time you were together. Others say, one week for each month you were together. Some even go as far as the same amount of time you've been together and that can be a LONG time!
Out of sight, out of mind, right?
One of the benefits of the long distance relationship (ldr), is that you don't live in the same city. By virtue of that, there is no potential of awkward run-ins. You each have your support system, that is if your lives have not meshed completely, and you haven't shared common friends. The difficult part are memory markers. Over the course of the relationship, the shared memories have to be slowly deleted and as much as I would love to believe that there's a Lacuna clinic to erase them, only time can do it. As can space/distance. So I'm trying to forget everytime I cook pasta that J's favourite food is Italian, or when I go get sushi, that he also likes Japanese, or when I bake that that he likes Bavarian pies. Or whenever I plan trips, I try not to think in terms of places we wanted to go together. One by one, I'm letting go of the past memories, and the future plans. But I think whether long-distance or local, the only and true way to get over someone, is to find someone else you care about more.

M-whore

I have no issues to admiting and owning to the fact that I am a massage whore. I love receiving massages so I will pay good money for the best massage. I've been to many massage therapists and have experienced the whole gamut. I've had the utterly horrible one where you feel violated because you exposed yourself to a stranger and gave him/her money to fondle you and you feel embarassed. Luckily, I've also had the utter best massage, where you're so relaxed that you fall asleep at the table. I haven't limited my massage experience to my hometown. I've travelled abroad and tried various massage spas as well. While the setting may vary, the concept of having your muscles massages to relieve the tension is common and well-known.
Massage is a very personal experience. Some people don't feel comfortable undressing and being covered by a simple sheet; others, like myself, bare it all. In China, you don't undress as they provide you with a robe like suit that you don while your body feels like it's being broken. The amount of pressure that is applied is also personal. You can request a light touch or request the masochist pain-inflicting and tear-inducing pressure. Can you guess which one I request? For me, there's something satisfying in feeling pain. For me it means that the therapist has found the area of tension and is applying the right amount of pressure to relieve the tension. It helps that I have a high threshold for pain.
Finding the right massage therapist is like finding that right hairstylist or the great doctor. You have to ask for referrals and then try them yourself. I've found that the best massage therapists are not necessarily those found in those fancy spas. In fact, I experienced my worst massage at an upscale East Coast spa recommended by one of those over-priced glossy magazines. The therapist in question, handled me as if I were a piece of meat and that he was slapping around the table. It was the longest two-hours of my life. I could have requested him to stop but there were (very few) moments that made me believe that it would get better from then, and I wanted to believe that this expensive spa resort would hire therapists who knew what they were doing. It was a sad and unfortunate experience. One of the best massages I've had involved the back cracking experience. Even if I was not able to fall asleep at any point, I left the spa feeling relaxed and light.
I'm fortunate enough to have found a massage therapist I like in my city. J is absolutely wonderful. She gives 'em like I like 'em: deep, intense and satisfying. But what makes her really exceptional is the fact that she's an intuitive therapist. She can sense those areas of tension without me telling her. Some therapists do not have that sense of touch which is so crucial to being a great therapist. They continuously ask the client where they're feeling the tension. I'm able to walk into J's office and tell her the main areas that hurt me, but with a quick full body scan, she can identify the real problematic areas. As she works on me, she continuously adjusts her touch and the amount of pressure to relieve the tension. I always fall asleep at her table. J is one of my best kept secrets. I rarely go out of my way to recommend her. Don't get me wrong - she's absolutely fantastic. But I know the consequences of recommending great service providers. Their schedule begins to fill up, to the point that sometimes you can't even get a spot yourself. You might have to knead me to get her name.

Sorry- I'm not available right now...

"Hi. You've reached me. I'm not available right now. I'll get back to you if you leave me a message."

I need some TO (Time Out), some head-clearing space, some breathing room. To find that, I need to fold back on myself and not be available to anyone for a little while. It's just too hard to talk to you. You sound so blissfully happy. Everything seems alined in your life - career-wise and love-wise. It's almost a joke to hear you complain about anything. It's as if you're being polite, acutely aware that not everyone has a blessed life as yours. As your friend, I am truly happy for you. However, it's difficult for me to rejoice with you in your happiness when I have got naught and you know it. I can't be a good friend to you so I need to distance myself from you. You spoke in the past about self-preservation. This is one of those moments. I'm hurting far too much, submerged in recently caused pain and in complete misery. When things get mildly better for me, I'll be back and celebrate with you all of your wonderful events in your life. Right now, I need to heal and recover. I need time and space.
love always,

I try to be a good friend. I try to be the type of friend I'd like to have, with the idea that by being the type of person I want to be surround by, I'll attract such people. So I listen to the woes and the joys of my friends because I'd want my friends to be available to share in my trials and tribulations. Today was just a little harder than other days. Probably because I was in a funk and trying to pull myself out of the mire as well as yourself was just too much effort. I need to recenter and refocus. People like you suck the energy out of me with your negativity and selfishness. My self-preservation requires me to pull back from you.

spring cleaning

Haven't we been through one already, not too long ago? Where you ferret into every nook and cranny of our flat? empty out each drawer, any recipient that may hide some loathsome content? and oblige me to go through with you to determine the worthiness of each item. You were merciless and hard. Some items had no chance. Furtively, I'd try to recuperate one of these pitiful objects. Sometimes useless attempt. How you've influenced me as I find myself doing the same these days. But alone. It took me a while to purge our small flat of your items. You'd think I'd be happy to recuperate some closet space. But the gaping emptiness left behind made me realise that you weren't here and I cried that day. My soul empty as well.