Love is Patient

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/05/fashion/weddings/05VOWS.html?ref=weddings

Opening: Taking Applicants - Ltd Time Only

I find the dating process rather complicated. First it's meeting potential candidates. That in itself is a challenge. I've tried practically everything that announces to the world that I am single and looking, short of renting a billboard space in Time Square (maybe that would work?). I've loittered in typical male haunts - the sports bar, the pubs, and hardware stores and still, came up short. I've been to bars and clubs but ew. They are either too young or just ... ew. It's not like I haven't tried dating the men who frequent these places. I have. They just aren't my type. I've tried online dating with mixed success. I've thrown myself at the mercy of friends and relatives to set me up - again with mixed success. It's a bit like investigative work when the police are looking for a Person of Interest (POI). You have a list of characteristics and qualities that POI meets before you meet and "interview" them.

Because of my impatient nature, sometimes (often), I wish I could speed up the first few dates where the same questions get asked over and over again. These particular questions get asked because they are those identifying questions which establish the identity of the person that you're dating: he's a vegetarian, he's an accountant, he plays road hockey, he has 3 sisters, etc.
I (erroneously) thought that internet dating would speed up this process (somewhat). It didn't. It's just as slow and cumbersome of a process. Just in a different medium. Instead of asking the questions face to face, you do so in a number of email exchanges.

Sometimes, I wish the dating process could be short circuited, not unlike a job application process: list the qualifications sought and then weed out the candidates who do not meet them. I don't want to waste my time on candidates who don't even meet the bare minimum requirements.

So when I ran across this, I was amused. The questions are not unlike some I would ask in the first few dates (except for question 21). While I know that it's meant to be facetious, there's part of me who wishes I could ask all potential boyfriends to fill this out so that I can preselect those I'm trying interested in pursuing something further and not waste my time with those who don't meet my set of non-negotiable qualities. If there was one guy who did fill out, as a lark of course, I would commend his sense of humour, a quality that I was looking for anyway.



THE OFFICIAL BOYFRIEND APPLICATION
Just a reminder: be completely honest with all your answers, I will be double checking applications using Google to ensure honesty. Any false information will automatically nullify any chance you might have had. Thanks, and have fun.

This application must be filled out in its entirety in order to be considered for the position that you are applying. Photographs may sway my opinion one way or the other, feel free to attach any that you think may help you gain this position.

BASIC INFORMATION

1. Full legal name (Last First Middle)

2. Age

3. Height

4. Weight

5. Eye color

6. Measurements

7. Natural hair color

8. Current hair color

CONTACT INFORMATION
( ) -
( ) -
9. Home phone

10. Cell Phone

11. Email

GETTING TO KNOW YOU
12. Are you a virgin? Y N

13. If no, how many past sexual partners have you had?

14. Have you ever had a sex change? Y N

15. Do you smoke? Y N

16. Do you use any illegal substances? Y N

17. Do you have kids? Y N

18. If yes, how many?

19. Do you workout? Y N

20. Do you currently have a source of income? Y N

21. If yes, what is your net income worth?

22. Do you live on your own? Y N

23. If no, whom do you currently reside with?

24. What kind of car do you drive?

25. Furthest level of edumacation (circle one): High School Some College Associate’s Degree Bachelor’s Degree

26. Do you have a history of mental illness? Y N

27. Favorite sport & team

28. Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend? Y N

29. Do you cook? Y N

30. Do you have any siblings? Y N

31. What is your religion?

32. What is your political persuasion

33. How many piercings (not including ears) do you have?

34. How many tattoos do you have?

35. What is your current favorite movie of all time?

36. List your three favorite genres of music in order of most favorite to least favorite:

REASONS I SHOULD PICK YOU
37. What is your idea of a perfect date in three sentences or less?

38. Explain why I should pick you as my boyfriend in one sentence:

39. List any special skills that you may have that are relevant to this position:

40. What do you want out of a relationship, specifically one with me?

RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND
List the details of your past three relationships starting with the most recent.
Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Am I prettier? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:

Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Am I prettier? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:

Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Am I prettier? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:

REFERENCES
Please supply three references (preferably hot male friends) and their phone numbers or email addresses.

CERTIFICATION
I hereby certify that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization to verify it using any means you deem appropiate. I understand that by filling out this form and submitting it for review does not guarantee that I will be chosen.

Date

Applicant Signature

Do not write below this line, this area will be used to take notes when conducting interviews.

Copyright © 2005 Brody Vercher.